I'm With You

'Til your heart finds a home
I won't let you feel alone
I'm with you, I'm with you, with you

~I'm With You (Music Inspired by The Story)

The day after my birthday this year, I was in a car heading towards Montana and my last grandparent's funeral.  As you can imagine, it was a stressful time, full of the kind of drama only family brings.  I had recently found this new song I like (I love the whole album) and when it came on in the car, I cried a little for the first time since I had heard the news of grandpa's passing. The melody and words touched my heart in a way that only music can.  They brought comfort and a kind of release. Grief of any kind can be very lonely.  It's a personal thing - how a person grieves, how it feels to each individual.  In the midst of that, how good to remember not one of us is truly alone. 

The song is about the Bible story of Naomi and Ruth.  A mother and daughter-in-law who had lost what they loved most - son and husband.  Naomi decided to return home.  Ruth left her home with Naomi to find her future.  Ruth did not know what lay ahead for her, but she knew who she wanted to walk the road with. 

My future seems to be on my mind a lot lately, shrouded in fog and shadows.  Right now, it looks like once my work contract is over in March, I will be moving on from Amazon.  Things did get considerably better after I wrote last.  I have the full backing of boss, and even his boss.  The conflict with my fellow team members has increased though.  I've been tasked to help people that don't want help.  And no amount of prodding or edicts will change their willingness to work with me.  No matter what the financial gains might be (potentially), I don't want to work in that environment for long. 

Working at Amazon has caused some growth in me and it's exciting to see.  I do take things less personally - less emotionally for sure (smile)!  I am gaining confidence in my abilities, which is helped by a boss who firmly believes in what I do and bring to the table.  My social anxiety has significantly decreased. 

My birthday (which I usually love) passed by this year without the usual personal celebration.  However, the number seems to pop to mind often.  38...38..almost 40..not married...no kids...no house.. no assets.  Sure 38 is just a number, and I actually have earned each one (smile).  38 looks different though when you aren't what you thought you'd be - mainly a wife and a mom. 

Then I remind myself of what I am. I am an amazing friend who has amazing friends.  I am a great Auntie Ria, who is loved dearly by those who call her so.  I am a survivor who continues to face challenges and attempt to grow and change.  I am a daughter; a sister.  I am good at what I do at work and get paid well to do it.  By God's grace, I have overcome fears and continue to face old and new ones that come my way. 

Whose life turns out the way they thought it would?  No one.  Is it better or worse?  Who can say?  I know that I don't see all that's gone before or will happen on the road ahead.  I hear God's voice say "I'm with you".  I hear other voices too - those of you reading saying "I'm with you."  And I say, "I'm with you too." 

Conflict

I have purposely put off writing this blog entry.  My last entry was so hopeful and full of joy; a true reflection of how I felt.  There is a reason that we are not told the future.

The last two months have been full of change and conflict.  Nothing could have prepared me for what an enormous life change leaving my old job would be.  And it's been incredibly difficult.  For the last 11 years, I've primarily worked from my house, setting my own hours, managing my time, setting my own priorities.  I'm now learning how to work 8 - 10 hours a day in an office, constantly surrounded by people.  Whenever I felt overwhelmed - with work or people or whatever - I could go home.  Back to my safe place.  That's not an option any more.

In addition to that, I'm surrounded by conflict at my new job.  People are concerned about their jobs, anxious to prove their worth and that they are needed.  And I show up, eager to make their lives easier.  Within weeks I've automated the job I was hired (full-time) for.  I'm ready to automate the next process.  And let's just say, there is conflict. 

With that said, how am I?  Struggling, doubting, hurting.  I am thankful for my job.  I know what a blessing it is to be working.  So, is it horrible that I am dreading tomorrow morning?  Maybe, but it's honest. 

I've heard words meant to be a comfort.  "Be patient."  "It's only been two months."  "Show up and work." And my personal favorite "It's not personal.  Don't take it personal."  There have been many times in my life I wished with all my heart I could do that.  Turn off the personal, the emotional.  Be logical and reason my way into being different than I am.  For better (most of the time) or worse (times like now), I'm not capable of doing this.  I bring all of me to whatever I do - work, relationships, even sailing. While this might make my road harder, I'm thankful to be who God created me to be.

So, it's rough right now.  I know that many are experiencing very hard things in their lives.  I hope this experience gives me more compassion and less advice to give.  Sometimes all we want to hear is - "That's really tough."  For someone to come along side and remind us we are not alone in our struggles.  To walk though this stage of the journey with us.  I'm not alone.  I'm very blessed with friends, family and Love.  There's more to this chapter.  I hope you keep reading.... and praying.... and loving.

Blessed

WARNING: Contains "God-talk"  (smile)

Bless the Lord O my soul

And all that is within me, bless His holy name

...

Who redeems your life from the pit

And crowns you with love and compassion

Psalm 103

My mom uses the word "pit" in many ways.  The word can be used as a short version of arm pit ("Do your pits stink?") or a messy bedroom ("How do you live in this pit?") or a crappy life circumstance.  I memorized the Bible verses above over 10 years ago.  Whenever I have a hard time falling asleep, I say those verses.  They cause me to remember that I am loved by Love.  And that I have much to be thankful for.

Tomorrow I start my new job at Amazon.  Three weeks ago, I jumped off a figurative cliff - leaving a secure job - with no safety net.  While I believed I was walking in the freedom God created us for, I didn't know the outcome.  There is nothing about me that deserves a job more than someone who's been looking for over a year.  I am humbled by the grace and love I've been shown. 

Not every person gets to change their circumstances.  Over the last three weeks, I've been reminded of how much freedom I have in the choices I can make.  I don't have a family to be responsible for.  I don't have children to put first.  While a large part of my heart aches for these relationships, I recognize the blessing that is my life.

The last six months I have felt like I was in a pit.  I felt trapped in my life circumstances.  Part of it was my job, but that wasn't all of it.  I have been focused on what I didn't have - relationships, family, respect, recognition.  The pit of self-pity is one I happen to spend much time in.  Today I feel like I'm out of the pit.  I have felt loved and showered with compassion.  My friends are truly excited and encouraging in what is coming next for me.  I'm blessed through each of you!

Can I say, I'm a little scared of what changes are coming my way?  A new job in a big city with new people.....it feels like one change will result in many more.  But this I can say.  I've survived and grown through many life changes.  Ultimately, I am blessed because of who I am, who I am loved by and Who I belong to. 

Stepping out of shame

Don't let your eyes get used to darkness

The light is coming soon

Don't let your heart get used to sadness

Put your hope in what is true

~JJ Heller

A week and a half ago, I made the decision to resign from my job at Iron Mountain.  This July, it would have been six years.  I've learned so much in those years - about myself, about friendship and about God. 

When I moved to Seattle to begin my life here, and start my job at Iron Mountain, I was as lost as I'd ever been.  I was in severe debt from the loss of my business.  I left behind family and friends.  My faith was barely alive - faith in God and faith in myself.  I felt like a failure in almost any way a person can.

Through the next three years, I worked very hard to find my life.  I grew as a business professional.  I became respected in what I offered at my job.  I lost friendships and then built new ones, healthier ones.  I grieved and healed some deep wounds of my childhood.  I found out what gives me joy. 

What I realized a couple of weeks ago, is that just when I believed I had truly overcome old patterns of thinking, a series of events and decisions began to lead me back the way I had come.  And for the last two years, I made the choice to listen to voices of shame.  Voices that said I was flawed and not deserving of love.  Voices that said I didn't deserve to be listened to.  Familiar voices. 

The saving grace was that not all of the voices were filled with shame.  I had other voices telling me that I was loved.  That I was valued.  But I chose to listen MORE to the "bad" voices.  Until I came to a place where I couldn't receive love. While I know and believe I am well loved, I don't feel loved.  That's the price of shame.

Choosing to leave my job is part of choices I am making now.  To change the patterns of my thinking, I feel I need a new environment to grow in.  I want to stay in Seattle, because I love it here.  I've found a home here. 

My heart did get used to sadness.  It's a familiar place.  And while the days ahead with have sadness in them, I am clinging to what is true.  The hope that comes from knowing my hand is in God's hand.  He isn't taken by surprise by any choice I've made.  He knows what lays before me and I can trust Him with my future.

I'm excited for what lays ahead.  There are moments of joy and peace I haven't had in months - maybe years.  Each step forward I know I am not alone and I am loved.  And one day soon, I'll feel it.

Cleanse - UPDATE

I'm feeling really good.  This week has been a real test in self-denial and self-control - two things I haven't practiced a whole lot.  The biggest miracle - I have had no bread/gluten or coffee for a week.  I had a headache for five of the last seven days.  I was super tired the first three days.  All of this goes to show how much my body really needed this cleanse.

In week where my emotions are usually in the dumps, I felt so positive; happy even.  It's too soon to tell, but it does really appear that changing how I eat is going to help my emotions stabilize.  Hallelujah!!

I have another week to go before my nephew comes to stay for a week.  While I can't continue the cleanse while he's here, I'm already thinking of ways to not go off it completely.  I am determined to start a new way of eating - not just view it as a temporary glitch. 

Thank you for all your encouragement, positive thoughts and prayers.  I felt them all and they mean so much to me!

The next post won't be about food.... at least not all of it.

Cleanse

The last 10 days have been great.  I am encouraged by all the letters, emails and phone calls. 

Today I cleaned out my kitchen.  A couple of weeks ago, I learned I have food allergies that contribute to my health issues.  These food allergies are ones that compromise the immune system and (for me) cause an upset stomach after almost every meal.  My doctor has recommended an elimination diet, of which the first three weeks are a cleanse.  My highest food allergies are gluten, dairy and eggs.  Those of you who know my eating habits know that I live on bread and cheese.  While the allergies were not a complete surprise, the extent of them was.  As my friend Tina says - now I know and it's my choice whether I eat those things or not. 

7 shopping bags of food stuffs sits in my living room to be given to neighbors and friends.  It felt good to simplify my kitchen.  And as I put away the new groceries I bought, I realized I was looking forward to simplifying the way I eat (at least for awhile).

The cleanse portion of the elimination diet starts tomorrow.  While I can't say I'm looking forward to all aspects of a cleanse, I do love the idea that I can be cleansing out the toxins in my body.  Taking care of myself in a very basic way.  I've been promised I will feel the best I've ever felt.  I wonder how it will affect my hormone imbalance?  Less of them I hope!

One day at a time.  One choice at a time.  One change at a time.  I was listening to the radio the other day and heard this song:

You are more than the choices that you make.

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

You've been remade

                                              -----10th Avenue North

Yoga's Lesson

Disclaimer:  A friend and I worked out for two hours on Saturday morning.  The second hour was a Yoga class, in which we spent 30 of 60 minutes in downward dog (inverted V with your body).  I mean, I was supposed to be in downward dog.  At least 20 of 30 minutes was spent in child's pose, trying to regain my breath and telling my muscles - you can do it one more time for a count of 10.  Today, I am still incredibly sore; honestly Yoga is one of the best work outs EVER.  The instructor told us that the workout releases a lot of toxins that are stored in our muscles.  By the way, toxins, when released, make you feel like total crap. 

I've avoided blogging for almost a week now.  And the reason is I have been swallowing, swimming and breathing in an increasing feeling of shame and failure.  I haven't quit smoking (yet).  The last meet-up I went to, when I left three hours later, I was physically in pain and ready to throw up from all the stress of meeting and talking to people.  A member of my family is in crisis and I am powerless to change the pain that they are experiencing.  My job is a toxic place that I feel constantly belittled and micro-managed.  And don't even get me started on my weight.  Almost every area of my life, when I look at it, seems to reflect failure, which brings shame. 

Tonight, after writing in my journal (which is a form of prayer for me), I realized (again) that "failure" is a LIE.  I've been listening to the toxic voices - both within myself and outside.  I have not been listening to all the amazing people who've taken the time to email and call.  The amazing friends who love me NO MATTER WHAT.  I am truly surrounded by encouragement.  The truth is things are not happening on my time schedule.  I have weak "muscles" where I have not exercised.  Toxins have built up in the atrophied muscles.  As I make choices to move in a different direction, toxins are released.  Old behaviors, old feelings, old responses are released.  Change is HARD!  If it was easy, we would do it much more often.

Oh how I want to quit smoking.  I honestly do.  But I haven't yet.  I'm going to keep exercising this muscle - the "quit smoking muscle." 

I am loved.  By Jesus, by my family, by my friends and (a little more today) by myself.  I am in the process of change.  I am making conscious decisions to alter my life.  The story is not completed.  Thank God for that!

My Value - Part 2

Today was another tough day but tonight I'm feeling so much better.  I did have a couple of real cigarettes today, but less than yesterday.  Honestly, it's helping a lot to post every night about how I'm doing.  It encourages me to keep going.  And the emails of encouragement mean so much.  I definitely don't feel alone in this journey.

Personal Value - Part 2.  Growing up I learned that my value was determined by what I did or what I believed (which was another form of doing) versus who I was.  I was taught this not because my parents were bad people.  My parents believed their own value came from what they did.  Who they were was not celebrated and they always seemed to be working towards being thought of as valuable.  Once this belief is learned and embraced, it's very hard to undo. 

Several years ago, I read several books that suggested differently.  Then I found an amazing counselor that started teaching me differently.  Finally, I began listening to people around me who loved me and saw value in me - not for what I did for them but just by being who I was.  What an amazing gift!  I had to choose though to believe it - and that part I'm still working on. 

What I began to learn and believe to be true is this.  That God created each person with intrinsic value.  Intrinsic (such a great word) according to wikipedia means:  "property which is essential and specific...is wholly independent of any other object, action or consequence".  I believe that God creates each human being in His image.  How valuable is that?  I suppose it depends on how you view God to answer that question.  And that is an entirely too big of a topic for this blog post. 

Back on topic, what does that mean to me?  One thing of intrinsic value that He created in me, that makes me valuable is that I feel things deeply - love, joy, sorrow, grief.  I experience life deeply.  In the past, I often saw this as a curse.  But now, I see it as a gift.  I love going deep - deep in relationships, deep in analyzing some computer problem, deep in good book.  The saying "It's not personal, it's business" does not apply to me.  It's all personal.  I invest who I am in what I do. 

It's pretty hard to come up with a list of things that are intrinsic to who you are "wholly independent of any action".  Knowing who I am apart from what I do; I want to spend more time being and not doing. I'm finding rest for my soul in the "being."

Slight detour

Good news - my new e-cigarette supplies came.  I picked them up tonight. 

I'll be honest, it was a hard day.  There's some big and small changes going on in my life right now.  While I am really glad that I've decided to quit smoking right now, the changes caught up with me today.  I'm feeling quite a bit of sadness and loss.  I call it grief. 

The leaving of something behind, like a bad habit that I've practiced for 12 years, is scary and it's hard.  How can something so detrimental to my health and quality of life feel like my closest friend sometimes?  I know that this is what I want - to quit smoking.  I know it's good and I'm determined to move forward.

My own grief today sat alongside a dear friend's grief over losing her beloved dog.  My heart breaks for her.  Change in all it's forms is part of life - part of growing up.  Making the hard choices is what life is about - it's what growth is about.  Some change brings joy.  Some change brings grief.  Embracing what it is and moving forward, even with baby steps is true strength.  I'm surrounded by people who love me, support me and practice true strength in so many ways.  For that, I am truly blessed and thankful.

My Value - Part 1

Before going to bed last night, I tore up the remaining cigarettes in my pack.  This morning, at 11 a.m., I bought another pack.  I've smoked six cigarettes today and will probably have another before bed.  Not bad for a "pack-a-day" habit.  However, today was my quit date.  Reason/excuse:  I ordered more supplies for my e-cigarette and they didn't arrive yet.  They should be here tomorrow and once I have them in my hands, I intend to again tear up any remaining cigarettes and quit.  Disappointed?  Me too.  Tomorrow is another day - another opportunity to quit.  I was thinking on the way home - I have to do more than TRY to quit - I have to quit.  I think that's a good mental shift.  Please keep praying and/or sending me positive wishes - I need it.  I promise to keep you posted.

Tonight's topic, personal value, might span a couple of entries.  What do I believe is my value in life - professionally, personally, spiritually?  When I say "believe" I mean the things you know in your head AND heart.  When you believe something, it becomes a part of who you are and influences how you feel, what you think about and how you interact with others around you.

I had a friend ask me recently "What do you think my values are?"  I'm not talking about a belief system here.  When you value something, it speaks to the kind of person you are.  Because I knew my friend wanted to know what I really thought, I didn't hesitate in answering.  I love to look at a person and see the beautiful things that make them who they are. 

The much harder question for me has been what do I think of my own value.  In a recent counseling appointment, I made a statement about the value I bring in my work, which I think is considerable.  My counselor asked me, "Do you really believe that?" And I said, "I'm starting to."  That's the truth. 

I hope you know you have value.  I believe you do - and I'm starting to believe I do too. 

Courage, Willow!

Willow is both the name of a movie and it's title character. In brief summary (courtesy of IMDB) "Willow, a small farmer/apprentice magician, meets Madmartigan, a great swordsman, and together they journey through a war-torn land of magic and monsters, to save a baby princess from death at the hands of an evil queen. "

At a crucial point of the movie, Willow says to himself "Courage, Willow!"  He spoke to encourage his heart - to continue on the path he knew was right.  He was (rightfully so) terrified.  But he chose to continue on.

The first two months of 2011 have felt like a build-up to something.  A couple of weeks ago, I told my counselor - "I feel trapped."  And then proceeded to cry for an hour in his office.  Today, I'm on the other side of that feeling.  Looking back I realized a couple of things:

1)  Change was coming and I was terrified
2)  Choices were coming that I didn't want to make
3)  I believe a lie that I can keep myself safe - I can control the change that happens to me

At this point, most of the actual changes coming into my life are in the future.  However, I am now reconciled to them.  More than that, I am excited about what's coming next.  I feel like I'm ready for the next chapter or adventure that is in store for me.  I'm trusting in Hands bigger and stronger than mine that He knows what's ahead and it's good (but maybe not easy). More details to come in future posts.

Two things I can talk about are: smoking and boys.  DON'T LAUGH!!

I've been smoking for 12 years now.  It's not something I'm proud of - but I don't carry shame either (most of the time).  Smoking is something I have enjoyed - it brings me comfort and a form of peace.  Some of my best ideas have come while smoking.  I've tried to quit many times, but I really believe this time is different.  One, because I do feel ready and willing to be free of how it controls me.  Two, the tool I am using.  I bought an electronic cigarette.  It's taken a week to get used to the taste.  And let's face it, while very similar - it's not exactly the same.  I've already cut my regular smoking to less than 1/2.  And now it's time to set a stop date (for regular cigarettes).  I'll make it right now and you can all ask me about it and encourage me in the meantime - February 27th. 

Finally, one of my goals for the year is to meet some single people - and more specifically men.  I have not dated since college (a very long time).  Can you say "TERRIFIED"?  So, the first step I chose in accomplishing this goal was to join a MeetUp group.  I had my first outing this last Friday.  We went bowling and I met some great people.  Best of all, even with my stomach cramping from the stress, I did feel like I was myself.  I asked questions AND talked about myself.  Next time will be even easier - right?

Thank you for reading!  I would really enjoy hearing your own tales of courage.  Feel free to email or comment!