Disclaimer: A friend and I worked out for two hours on Saturday morning. The second hour was a Yoga class, in which we spent 30 of 60 minutes in downward dog (inverted V with your body). I mean, I was supposed to be in downward dog. At least 20 of 30 minutes was spent in child's pose, trying to regain my breath and telling my muscles - you can do it one more time for a count of 10. Today, I am still incredibly sore; honestly Yoga is one of the best work outs EVER. The instructor told us that the workout releases a lot of toxins that are stored in our muscles. By the way, toxins, when released, make you feel like total crap.
I've avoided blogging for almost a week now. And the reason is I have been swallowing, swimming and breathing in an increasing feeling of shame and failure. I haven't quit smoking (yet). The last meet-up I went to, when I left three hours later, I was physically in pain and ready to throw up from all the stress of meeting and talking to people. A member of my family is in crisis and I am powerless to change the pain that they are experiencing. My job is a toxic place that I feel constantly belittled and micro-managed. And don't even get me started on my weight. Almost every area of my life, when I look at it, seems to reflect failure, which brings shame.
Tonight, after writing in my journal (which is a form of prayer for me), I realized (again) that "failure" is a LIE. I've been listening to the toxic voices - both within myself and outside. I have not been listening to all the amazing people who've taken the time to email and call. The amazing friends who love me NO MATTER WHAT. I am truly surrounded by encouragement. The truth is things are not happening on my time schedule. I have weak "muscles" where I have not exercised. Toxins have built up in the atrophied muscles. As I make choices to move in a different direction, toxins are released. Old behaviors, old feelings, old responses are released. Change is HARD! If it was easy, we would do it much more often.
Oh how I want to quit smoking. I honestly do. But I haven't yet. I'm going to keep exercising this muscle - the "quit smoking muscle."
I am loved. By Jesus, by my family, by my friends and (a little more today) by myself. I am in the process of change. I am making conscious decisions to alter my life. The story is not completed. Thank God for that!
Hey, Maria! Yoga is wonderful. If you get a chance, go to a restorative yoga class which just focuses on stretching, creating space in your joints and helping you quiet and calm your racing mind and muscles. It is amazingly calming and comforting.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, my friend, change is good and it can also be very difficult, painful, emotionally jarring and cathartic. I always find that if I just focus on one thing at a time, it helps me not feel overwhelmed. In essence, no matter how much we feel we multi-task, we really only do one thing at a time and there isn't a thing wrong with that.
We can only control the choices we make and the reactions we have to the actions and choices of others. That's the lesson I learn over and over again.
Be kind to yourself, Maria - you're the only you you've got. You know you are loved, you know you are capable of great kindness and compassion and that you are the captain of your soul.
You're doing a great job of being you in this place and time and making plans for the changes you'd like to make. All that is positive progress!
With love,
Marni