I've been silent for five months on this platform. I haven't had the words or the clarity to honestly answer the question posed to me "How are you?". For you who know me, that is not a question I take lightly. I want to know "how I am" and "why I am" and a host of other questions that are exhausting to answer at certain times in one's life. I spend a good deal of time internally evaluating "how am I _____" - feeling, doing, thinking, believing, ad nausea...(smile)
Tonight I don't have any answers but I have something to write; something honest. My heart was full of a question that kept turning around in my brain. The question is: "Is being wanted the same thing as belonging?"
Let me define a bit more of what I mean when I say belonging. Safe, the opposite of lonely, at peace, no trying, no "shoulds", no "have tos" and no "making it work". I would not say it's only a feeling, although that's part of it. I want it to be a place of being or something I experience often.
I've moved into a house (rental). It's the first time I've lived in a house since I left home after high school over 20 years ago. It's wonderful - big kitchen, big living room, hardwood floors, fireplace. It's quiet. And I feel safe here, which is no small thing. It's close to my friends and will allow me to "do life" more often with them. It's not a home yet though. I do not equate belonging with a physical place. As I child, we moved every 4-5 years. I've now lived in Seattle longer than anywhere my entire life; six and a half years. For me, belonging has not been a place.
There are times, especially right after reading Jane Austen, I believe belonging is and/or involves another person. Some as-of-yet unknown person who will belong to me and I will belong to them. To complete me; fill in all the things I lack. It's a child's day dream. A fairy tale that isn't meant to be true. But wouldn't it be lovely if that is how it worked? If all of one's happiness depended entirely on another person? (another smile)
At my current job, I am, for the most part, wanted. I've been trying very hard to convince myself it is enough. Be thankful; be content and stay in the security of this opportunity. The struggle is, I want both. I'm not saying that I'm looking for a job where I can fully belong (although let's face it - that would be nice). There are levels of belonging.
Being wanted, in my history, has very little to do with me as a person. Can I do great things for someone at my current job? Of course. Is there a need for my skills? Absolutely. And here is where the ideas finally come together (possibly). I want, at least in part, to be wanted for me as a person as well as what I do. That could give me a small sense of belonging I think. It could be as small as someone asking me a personal question; taking the time to get to know me. As I write, I realize that I believe belonging is relational. Whether this is true or not, remains to be seen.
I question sometimes if this means I have less faith or that my relationship with God is not very strong. I do know, believe and sometimes feel that sense of belonging I am searching for in my relationship with God. God also created us to be in relationship with other people. The Bible says that it was not good for Adam to be alone. And he had to have had the closest relationship with God in the history of man. I think both are good.
No tidy endings tonight. Just a window into my heart and mind - "how I am doing". I love that I get to share that with you and that you will listen and care. Thank you!
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