Trading What's Broken for Beauty

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

~Nicole Nordeman/Sunrise

My identity was formed by a belief that what I did for others defined who I was.  If I did enough for someone, they loved me and I was valuable.  If I made a mistake, their love was taken away and I was worthless.  By the time I was in my mid-twenties, this belief made me desperate for deep lasting relationships and extremely co-dependent.  I believed I was intrinsically flawed.  That who I was made it so no one could truly love me.

When I chose to leave Montana to move to Seattle seven years ago, I was very lost.  My business had failed, my attempts to "fix" my family were for naught and I hadn't thought of romance in over a decade.  All I knew is I had to find out who I was apart from the people and relationships that had defined my life.  I remember praying as I crossed Snoqualmie Pass, "God, here I am.  A wreck and a failure.  And, by the way, extremely angry at you.  You seem to have led me here so let's see what You can do."

What He's done is amazing.  A miracle really.  Much as been healed.  I called it recovery for a long time.  It was hard and painful and so much work.  Now I call it life.  As I approach 40, I can honestly say I'm not the same person I was.  I've grown and changed and am better for all the circumstances that led me here today.  And I'm far from finished.

There are a  few people that have believed this for me and that it was in me long before I did.  People who loved on me, some who prayed for me and all have walked parts of the journey with me.  People who are not surprised by the success and life I'm enjoying now. 

When I was offered a permanent job at Amazon; as I was listening to my boss say "I believe in you.  I'm taking a chance on you, with the belief that you can do this" I heard other voices as well.  It wasn't just him saying it.  It was the people who have said it before.  I didn't listen before; I didn't believe you meant it; I didn't believe it was true.  When I said "yes" to the job, in that moment, I truly started to believe in the person God made me to be.

When I only saw brokenness, you saw beauty.  What an amazing gift!

There are not words to express how humbled I am by the people that love me.  The people who see beauty in me.  I am truly thankful.  I want you to know that I feel like you are a part of what my life will be from here.  I'm so excited to see what the next chapter looks like.  My counselor, who recently quit his practice, said "I'm not going anywhere.  Your story is just getting good."  I love that.  After healing and recovery, comes redemption.  It is beginning and I can't wait to share with you what that's going to look like for me.