Stepping out of shame

Don't let your eyes get used to darkness

The light is coming soon

Don't let your heart get used to sadness

Put your hope in what is true

~JJ Heller

A week and a half ago, I made the decision to resign from my job at Iron Mountain.  This July, it would have been six years.  I've learned so much in those years - about myself, about friendship and about God. 

When I moved to Seattle to begin my life here, and start my job at Iron Mountain, I was as lost as I'd ever been.  I was in severe debt from the loss of my business.  I left behind family and friends.  My faith was barely alive - faith in God and faith in myself.  I felt like a failure in almost any way a person can.

Through the next three years, I worked very hard to find my life.  I grew as a business professional.  I became respected in what I offered at my job.  I lost friendships and then built new ones, healthier ones.  I grieved and healed some deep wounds of my childhood.  I found out what gives me joy. 

What I realized a couple of weeks ago, is that just when I believed I had truly overcome old patterns of thinking, a series of events and decisions began to lead me back the way I had come.  And for the last two years, I made the choice to listen to voices of shame.  Voices that said I was flawed and not deserving of love.  Voices that said I didn't deserve to be listened to.  Familiar voices. 

The saving grace was that not all of the voices were filled with shame.  I had other voices telling me that I was loved.  That I was valued.  But I chose to listen MORE to the "bad" voices.  Until I came to a place where I couldn't receive love. While I know and believe I am well loved, I don't feel loved.  That's the price of shame.

Choosing to leave my job is part of choices I am making now.  To change the patterns of my thinking, I feel I need a new environment to grow in.  I want to stay in Seattle, because I love it here.  I've found a home here. 

My heart did get used to sadness.  It's a familiar place.  And while the days ahead with have sadness in them, I am clinging to what is true.  The hope that comes from knowing my hand is in God's hand.  He isn't taken by surprise by any choice I've made.  He knows what lays before me and I can trust Him with my future.

I'm excited for what lays ahead.  There are moments of joy and peace I haven't had in months - maybe years.  Each step forward I know I am not alone and I am loved.  And one day soon, I'll feel it.