Slight detour

Good news - my new e-cigarette supplies came.  I picked them up tonight. 

I'll be honest, it was a hard day.  There's some big and small changes going on in my life right now.  While I am really glad that I've decided to quit smoking right now, the changes caught up with me today.  I'm feeling quite a bit of sadness and loss.  I call it grief. 

The leaving of something behind, like a bad habit that I've practiced for 12 years, is scary and it's hard.  How can something so detrimental to my health and quality of life feel like my closest friend sometimes?  I know that this is what I want - to quit smoking.  I know it's good and I'm determined to move forward.

My own grief today sat alongside a dear friend's grief over losing her beloved dog.  My heart breaks for her.  Change in all it's forms is part of life - part of growing up.  Making the hard choices is what life is about - it's what growth is about.  Some change brings joy.  Some change brings grief.  Embracing what it is and moving forward, even with baby steps is true strength.  I'm surrounded by people who love me, support me and practice true strength in so many ways.  For that, I am truly blessed and thankful.

My Value - Part 1

Before going to bed last night, I tore up the remaining cigarettes in my pack.  This morning, at 11 a.m., I bought another pack.  I've smoked six cigarettes today and will probably have another before bed.  Not bad for a "pack-a-day" habit.  However, today was my quit date.  Reason/excuse:  I ordered more supplies for my e-cigarette and they didn't arrive yet.  They should be here tomorrow and once I have them in my hands, I intend to again tear up any remaining cigarettes and quit.  Disappointed?  Me too.  Tomorrow is another day - another opportunity to quit.  I was thinking on the way home - I have to do more than TRY to quit - I have to quit.  I think that's a good mental shift.  Please keep praying and/or sending me positive wishes - I need it.  I promise to keep you posted.

Tonight's topic, personal value, might span a couple of entries.  What do I believe is my value in life - professionally, personally, spiritually?  When I say "believe" I mean the things you know in your head AND heart.  When you believe something, it becomes a part of who you are and influences how you feel, what you think about and how you interact with others around you.

I had a friend ask me recently "What do you think my values are?"  I'm not talking about a belief system here.  When you value something, it speaks to the kind of person you are.  Because I knew my friend wanted to know what I really thought, I didn't hesitate in answering.  I love to look at a person and see the beautiful things that make them who they are. 

The much harder question for me has been what do I think of my own value.  In a recent counseling appointment, I made a statement about the value I bring in my work, which I think is considerable.  My counselor asked me, "Do you really believe that?" And I said, "I'm starting to."  That's the truth. 

I hope you know you have value.  I believe you do - and I'm starting to believe I do too. 

Courage, Willow!

Willow is both the name of a movie and it's title character. In brief summary (courtesy of IMDB) "Willow, a small farmer/apprentice magician, meets Madmartigan, a great swordsman, and together they journey through a war-torn land of magic and monsters, to save a baby princess from death at the hands of an evil queen. "

At a crucial point of the movie, Willow says to himself "Courage, Willow!"  He spoke to encourage his heart - to continue on the path he knew was right.  He was (rightfully so) terrified.  But he chose to continue on.

The first two months of 2011 have felt like a build-up to something.  A couple of weeks ago, I told my counselor - "I feel trapped."  And then proceeded to cry for an hour in his office.  Today, I'm on the other side of that feeling.  Looking back I realized a couple of things:

1)  Change was coming and I was terrified
2)  Choices were coming that I didn't want to make
3)  I believe a lie that I can keep myself safe - I can control the change that happens to me

At this point, most of the actual changes coming into my life are in the future.  However, I am now reconciled to them.  More than that, I am excited about what's coming next.  I feel like I'm ready for the next chapter or adventure that is in store for me.  I'm trusting in Hands bigger and stronger than mine that He knows what's ahead and it's good (but maybe not easy). More details to come in future posts.

Two things I can talk about are: smoking and boys.  DON'T LAUGH!!

I've been smoking for 12 years now.  It's not something I'm proud of - but I don't carry shame either (most of the time).  Smoking is something I have enjoyed - it brings me comfort and a form of peace.  Some of my best ideas have come while smoking.  I've tried to quit many times, but I really believe this time is different.  One, because I do feel ready and willing to be free of how it controls me.  Two, the tool I am using.  I bought an electronic cigarette.  It's taken a week to get used to the taste.  And let's face it, while very similar - it's not exactly the same.  I've already cut my regular smoking to less than 1/2.  And now it's time to set a stop date (for regular cigarettes).  I'll make it right now and you can all ask me about it and encourage me in the meantime - February 27th. 

Finally, one of my goals for the year is to meet some single people - and more specifically men.  I have not dated since college (a very long time).  Can you say "TERRIFIED"?  So, the first step I chose in accomplishing this goal was to join a MeetUp group.  I had my first outing this last Friday.  We went bowling and I met some great people.  Best of all, even with my stomach cramping from the stress, I did feel like I was myself.  I asked questions AND talked about myself.  Next time will be even easier - right?

Thank you for reading!  I would really enjoy hearing your own tales of courage.  Feel free to email or comment!