3 Weeks Later

Tomorrow I head back to work.  It's been three amazing weeks of rest, solitude, encouragement, friends and some of my favorite things.  

The first week entailed a lot of sleep, but I also kept busy.  It's hard to go from 100 MPH to 0 immediately.  The second week I felt slightly better but still was sleeping a lot and had some sad days.  The third week was my breakthrough week.  It could have been because I found out I was going back to work a week earlier than planned.  I realized my dedicated time of healing was coming to an end.  

On Tuesday I headed to Ocean Shores for a day trip.  I had great music on and the sun was shining.  Despite weather predictions, the sun stayed shining all day and it was an absolutely perfect day.  There were not many people so I had the beaches almost all to myself (my favorite) and I spent several hours just sitting, praying and eventually reading on the sand.  I even did some singing - just my God and I.  As I drove down to the coast, I heard my own internal voice again.  The voice of encouragement and excitement of what the day and the future might hold.  I felt hope.  

There are many things I've learned during this time, although time will test out how much of it has "stuck" and how much will need to be continually relearned.  I realized I've been numb for a long time and instead of dealing with the cause of the anxieties in my life, I've existed.  A prevailing sense of failure and shame in every area of my life caused perpetual shadows.  The physical health issues were outward signs of the internal place I'd allowed myself to get to.

No one can tell you not to be afraid or not to feel failure or not to experience shame.  This is an internal journey that only I can walk.  Thankfully I wasn't (and am not) alone.  I "heard" my God's voice again and felt His love and welcome.  While so many people wanted to help, it's only in stillness - in listening - that His grace allowed me to begin to extend grace to myself.  

No, I'm not "all better", but I am better.  That is enough for me.  The challenge is to find this place of rest, a moment of peace, as I return to a demanding job.  I believe this is possible and now that I've found myself again, I don't want to lose her.  She's valuable - not by what she gets done in a work day but by her God-given nature. I believe that now more than I ever did before.