Baby Steps

I will open my hands

I will open my heart

~Open My Hands by Sarah Groves

As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking of the movie "What About Bob?".  It's a Bill Murray/Richard Dreyfuss classic.  One of my favorite scenes (and my brother's) is this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrbY4hsNh64

As I've begun to tread the waters of feeling attraction for someone, I've felt like Bill Murray tied to that sailboat..  Elation, terror, joy and sadness in turns throughout any given day. A heart beginning to open up is wonderful and overwhelming and just plain exhausting.  I'm not even close to "being a sailor now".  

Nothing has come of the coffee date.  While I'm disappointed, it wasn't really about him. I got to experience kindness and humor in someone I was attracted to and had the potential of being something more. That is a gift.  However, it was only a baby step in the process.  The process of being open. The process of finding someone who has the qualities I am hoping and praying for.  

Doesn't that sound terribly grown up of me?  Mature even. I'm sure it will pass quickly enough.  Probably the next time I actually talk to him.  (smile)

In all seriousness, my heart now remembers what it feels like to meet someone, talk to someone and feel instantly connected.  To anticipate the next time you get to see that person and know that it will be easy and familiar and there will lots of laughter.  My heart is remembering how to want.  To want to waste hours just talking and listening. To want to spend time - just more time with that person. 

The wanting is ... disrupting.  Now that I've experienced a small part of what it is to connect with someone like that, I want more.  And I'm lonely and frustrated when it doesn't happen on a regular basis.  In the process of opening up to this journey, I've also allowed myself to experience loneliness for the first time in decades.  I can't say I've missed that.

The song I referenced above is my theme song lately.  A reminder to open my hands and open my heart to whatever God has next for me.  A friend has continued to encourage me to either stand still or take steps forward but not to go backwards.  Honestly, most days I'm standing still.  But each baby step I take forward is one step closer...

All You'll Ever Need

7:30 a.m.  Family drama

8:00 a.m.  Coffee date.... with a single man

What a way to start the day!  30 minutes before going on a (informal, maybe wasn't really) date, the assumed responsibilities for my family threatens to steal all joy from this momentous (for me) occasion.  

In all seriousness, there was a time not too long ago when I would have cancelled the date and spent most of the day obsessing about how to fix the problems I was presented with.  Instead, I chose not to do that.  I went on that coffee date and I went to lunch with friends.  And although tears threatened throughout the day, I chose to keep walking through it.  

I get to chose to have a different life than what was originally handed to me. Throughout the day, I was reminded that I have friends who've hoped and believed that for me for much longer than I have.

Good men are trustworthy, kind, care and listen without expecting anything in return.  For most of my life, I didn't know any good men.  Today, two such men reached out and listened to a bit of my story. One encouraged me to be strong.  One encouraged me with how well he thought I was handling it (family drama).  Both gave me hugs that left me feeling safe and less alone.  There are not words to describe what a miracle it is to have that and what healing has occurred because of it.

And then there are my girlfriends who thoroughly enjoy hearing me giggle and share meaningless details of 10 minute conversations.  Who have encouraged me to "get out there".  Who take joy from how happy I am.  Who have believed I'm someone worth dating, while I'm just starting to.

All around me today, I experienced love in it's best form.  Tangible, healing and joyful.

I choose to focus on that.  The healing that's occurred (by God's grace). The love I am privileged to experience (I love y'all right back).  The joy that comes from looking forward to tomorrow (and a future lunch date).  

3 Weeks Later

Tomorrow I head back to work.  It's been three amazing weeks of rest, solitude, encouragement, friends and some of my favorite things.  

The first week entailed a lot of sleep, but I also kept busy.  It's hard to go from 100 MPH to 0 immediately.  The second week I felt slightly better but still was sleeping a lot and had some sad days.  The third week was my breakthrough week.  It could have been because I found out I was going back to work a week earlier than planned.  I realized my dedicated time of healing was coming to an end.  

On Tuesday I headed to Ocean Shores for a day trip.  I had great music on and the sun was shining.  Despite weather predictions, the sun stayed shining all day and it was an absolutely perfect day.  There were not many people so I had the beaches almost all to myself (my favorite) and I spent several hours just sitting, praying and eventually reading on the sand.  I even did some singing - just my God and I.  As I drove down to the coast, I heard my own internal voice again.  The voice of encouragement and excitement of what the day and the future might hold.  I felt hope.  

There are many things I've learned during this time, although time will test out how much of it has "stuck" and how much will need to be continually relearned.  I realized I've been numb for a long time and instead of dealing with the cause of the anxieties in my life, I've existed.  A prevailing sense of failure and shame in every area of my life caused perpetual shadows.  The physical health issues were outward signs of the internal place I'd allowed myself to get to.

No one can tell you not to be afraid or not to feel failure or not to experience shame.  This is an internal journey that only I can walk.  Thankfully I wasn't (and am not) alone.  I "heard" my God's voice again and felt His love and welcome.  While so many people wanted to help, it's only in stillness - in listening - that His grace allowed me to begin to extend grace to myself.  

No, I'm not "all better", but I am better.  That is enough for me.  The challenge is to find this place of rest, a moment of peace, as I return to a demanding job.  I believe this is possible and now that I've found myself again, I don't want to lose her.  She's valuable - not by what she gets done in a work day but by her God-given nature. I believe that now more than I ever did before. 

LOA - The Beginning

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

~Billy Joel

I'm official on medical leave of absence.  Per my last blog post, you know I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue back in December.  Unfortunately, six months later, my levels have not improved.  My doctor has ordered four weeks of rest.  Tough gig (smile).

Actually, it's going to be ... challenging.  I recognize this is an opportunity to figure out why I don't rest. I sleep but don't rest.  I succeed at work but don't rest.  I love my friends and family but don't rest in them.  So, that's the task - to figure out how to rest.  In who I am not in what I do.  In what I have accomplished not all that remains to do.  In who (and Who) loves me instead of the fear of being left alone.  

I'm going to use this blog as a way to update you all on what follows.  The first week or two especially I'll have limited contact with anyone while I sleep (hopefully rest) and spend quiet time - with myself and Jesus.

What a gift this time is!  

Please email (lowry.maria@gmail.com) and pray.

Maria

Ulcers and Trust (or the lack thereof)

~This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in the hole.  The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts out “Hey you, can you help me out?”  The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.  Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up “Father I’m down in this hole. Can you help me out?”  The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down the hole and moves on.  Then a friend walks by.  “Hey Joe, it’s me.  Can you help me out?”  And the friend jumps in the hole.  Our guy says “Are you stupid?  Now we’re both down here.”  The friend says “Yeah but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.” ~ West Wing (Leo’s speech)

Three months ago, I was experiencing some severe abdominal pain and chronic depression.  I was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer and extreme adrenal fatigue.  The bleeding ulcer was actually “easy” to cure but the adrenal fatigue has taken much longer to improve.  Some days were good and then I’d be hit with another bout of fatigue and depression and inability to cope… with anything.  An amazing friend shared the above video with me (YouTube).   I’ve thought of it many times during the last three months of recovery.  At my craziest (and I really felt like I was going crazy), I had amazing friends walk with me through the darkness.  They didn’t judge and they didn’t punish me for my bizarre behavior.  Unconditional love is a priceless gift.

I have made some changes.  I got a personal trainer to help me deal better with the accumulated stress at work.  I’ve cut back on my social calendar and limited myself to 1 evening during the work week to see friends and do something fun.  I’ve taken more days off and rested more.  I’ve found a new church and started this week singing in the choir.  I’m seeing improvement and I am blessed to have had several weeks without a “bad day”. 

However, what I’m learning is that fear and the allusion of control still play a large part of my life.  Recognizing what’s in your control to change and what’s not is an on-going process.  Many times the things I can change - namely the decisions I make regarding myself – are not the things I choose to change.  Fixing other people (as if) or other people’s projects is where I devote my energy.  My job is a daily lesson at which I almost always fail in taking care of my own business and letting others succeed or fail without my input. 

I’ve wanted to quit my job almost monthly from when I started 2 ½ years ago. Yet, I’ve chosen to stay.  It’s constant practice to learn what I must learn.  That seeing what needs to be done and making it my responsibility to get it done are two very different things. 

I believe it’s about rest.  Resting involves trust, something I’m horrible at.  I live in a state of preparing for “what if”.  What if my closest friend decides that I’m a burden and abandons me?  What if I fail at my job and I lose my friendships there?  What if I’m alone for the rest of my life?   Fear of pain and loneliness drive my life and many of my decisions.  Yet this very fear keeps me from experiencing the fullness of what I’ve been given.  A challenging job in which I am highly valued.  Amazing friends who jump in dark holes to show me the way out.  A beautiful house and city to live in and enjoy.  A body that’s getting stronger.  A God who will never leave me or forsake me, even though He allows pain and loneliness. 

Daily, and sometimes hourly, I must choose not to live and react in fear.  By God's grace, may I continue to grow in trust.