Merry Christmas! I've had a restful quiet day. My heart is happy and at peace. Which isn't the way the day started...
After a restless night of sleep, including a real humdinger of a nightmare, I woke up crying. I really hate that! And I had to decide what I was going to do about it. I prayed (to be able to forgive), smoked a cigarette (quitting for New Years), packed my car and drove to the Oregon coast.
While driving, I sang. Christmas, worship, big band, classical. And I thought about being alone for Christmas.
Several years ago, I made the choice to spend major holidays alone. I decided I would take concentrated time for myself. I listen to music, journal, read. I keep the day electronic-free. I reflect on my life, what's really going on with me, what growth has happened in the last year, how am I growing in my relationships (family, friends, Jesus). I also choose to spend one-on-one time with each family member during the year.
As I drove, I thought of my favorite word for God. Emmanuel - God with us. Jesus, the man who was born over 2000 years ago, claimed to be God. The best description I've heard of His life's message is by Don Miller. Jesus drew a circle around himself and said, "Everyone outside this circle is broken; Marry me." I love that. My dream last night brought a very real pain back to the forefront. I am broken. My heart seems to be irreparably broken from the past. But amidst the brokenness, I know that God is with me. And has been with me throughout my life. Today, I recognized and was so very thankful to not be alone. I believe, whether I feel it or not, that I have never been alone. I see His work through the brokenness. I know that I love more deeply because of the pain. I know I experience deeper joy because of the pain. I know I have more compassion for others who are broken and hurting. These are gifts that God has given, alongside the pain. I'm not sure I could have had one without the other.
I feel incredibly blessed by the family and friends that give me such love all year around. I hope you enjoyed your day - however you chose to spend it!
God is with us
God is for us
Emmanuel
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Dreams
Tonight I went to Disney's 50th animated movie, Tangled. A new Disney princess was introduced, Rapunzel. Surrounded by parents and children, I sat eating my nachos. I won't give away any key points of the movie, but I will say I clapped at the end with the rest of the audience.
There was one scene of the movie that moved me. Rapunzel is about to see her dream come true and she is afraid. "What if it isn't all I want it to be?" Response "It will be." Rapunzel "What if it is (all I want it to be)?" Response "You get a new dream."
That resonated with me. It made me think of my own dreams. I drew a blank at present dreams, so I began to remember past dreams. While growing up, I dreamed of moving back to Seattle (I lived here from ages 3- 8). When I flunked out of college, I dreamed of owning my own business. In my childhood, I dreamed of a best girl friend. And of course, I dreamed of true love.
I've had many dreams come true. Several dreams were all I wanted them to be. Many dreams broke my heart. As the years have passed, I've stopped dreaming. Life develops a sameness. Time moves faster and before I know it another year is drawing to an end. I forgot to get new dreams.
Until a year ago, my focus has been healing from the past. Becoming a whole healthy person. I realize that will be a life-long journey. This year has been a year to begin looking forward. Building healthy relationships and working towards a healthy person physically have been my focus. Without conscious thought, my heart has begun to dream again.
I'm terrified. What if the dreams don't come true? What if they do? (I'm just as terrified of dreams coming true than not.) What if my heart gets broken? I've learned there are many ways a heart can break.
I want the courage to allow my heart to dream big dreams. To open my heart and peak inside to see what dreams are waiting there. It's time to get new dreams.
There was one scene of the movie that moved me. Rapunzel is about to see her dream come true and she is afraid. "What if it isn't all I want it to be?" Response "It will be." Rapunzel "What if it is (all I want it to be)?" Response "You get a new dream."
That resonated with me. It made me think of my own dreams. I drew a blank at present dreams, so I began to remember past dreams. While growing up, I dreamed of moving back to Seattle (I lived here from ages 3- 8). When I flunked out of college, I dreamed of owning my own business. In my childhood, I dreamed of a best girl friend. And of course, I dreamed of true love.
I've had many dreams come true. Several dreams were all I wanted them to be. Many dreams broke my heart. As the years have passed, I've stopped dreaming. Life develops a sameness. Time moves faster and before I know it another year is drawing to an end. I forgot to get new dreams.
Until a year ago, my focus has been healing from the past. Becoming a whole healthy person. I realize that will be a life-long journey. This year has been a year to begin looking forward. Building healthy relationships and working towards a healthy person physically have been my focus. Without conscious thought, my heart has begun to dream again.
I'm terrified. What if the dreams don't come true? What if they do? (I'm just as terrified of dreams coming true than not.) What if my heart gets broken? I've learned there are many ways a heart can break.
I want the courage to allow my heart to dream big dreams. To open my heart and peak inside to see what dreams are waiting there. It's time to get new dreams.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Fill Her Up
First, I have to thank everyone that commented or encouraged me about my first blog post. I was very encouraged.
I'm in Boston this week for work. I enjoy coming to Boston (seeing co-workers, eating amazing food, walking the city). I've been able to come to Boston several times over the last three years. I have a favorite restaurant (La Dolce Vita), favorite hotel (Radisson on Stuart) and honestly, I'm a mini-celebrity at work - people are really happy to see me.
I didn't want to come to Boston. The main reason is I really enjoy my life in Seattle. It's busy and comfortable. Why leave that, even for a week?
A couple of years ago, I took a Meyers-Briggs personality test through work. One of the most surprising things I learned is that I'm an introvert. Shocker, huh? One of the key qualities of an introvert is that they receive energy from being alone.
Now, I love people. Over the last five years, I've worked very hard at growing as a healthy person and cultivating healthy relationships. I enjoy forming relationships; real, honest, deep. This last year has been amazing for me in terms of relationships. As I've become healthier, my relationships have become healthier (or, sadly, have gone away). Much of the drama and insecurity that used to characterize my closest friendships is gone. I am so thankful for that.
The truth is I've been running on empty for a couple of months because I haven't spent time alone. You might be thinking - how the heck is that true? She lives alone, works out of her house alone, etc. But there is a difference between being alone and being still.
Being still involves having a quiet heart. Quietness is difficult to "do" and does not just "happen." Being still means different things to different people. Being still for me involves journal writing, reading good books that make me think (not romance novels), listening to music without distractions. Being still for me also involves my relationship with God. Spending time with God over a period of time - getting to know each other. Well, He doesn't have to get to know me, but still a relationship involves both parties. I tell Him what's really going on in my life and heart and He tells me who He really is - not just the ideas I have in my head. The best way I do this is to take a long drive, preferably to the ocean, with cell phones turned off.
Between the time difference and being 3000 miles away from the busy and comfortable life I live, I've been forced to be still. I am starting to hear my voice again and to hear God's voice again. It's faint, but it's clearer than it was a week ago.
I realize that I need to fill up on a more regular basis. I'm not much good to anyone else in my life if I stop hearing my own voice and God's voice in my life. Too often my voice just sounds like the latest person asking me for something (a work report, an urgent meeting, advice, encouragement, affection). I believe each person is valuable apart from what they do - just who they are. I think it's very easy to treat every other person in your life as more important than you are. That is not true. You matter equally as much.
Whatever it takes to hear your own voice again, listen for it. Whatever it looks like for you to fill up, do it.
I'm in Boston this week for work. I enjoy coming to Boston (seeing co-workers, eating amazing food, walking the city). I've been able to come to Boston several times over the last three years. I have a favorite restaurant (La Dolce Vita), favorite hotel (Radisson on Stuart) and honestly, I'm a mini-celebrity at work - people are really happy to see me.
I didn't want to come to Boston. The main reason is I really enjoy my life in Seattle. It's busy and comfortable. Why leave that, even for a week?
A couple of years ago, I took a Meyers-Briggs personality test through work. One of the most surprising things I learned is that I'm an introvert. Shocker, huh? One of the key qualities of an introvert is that they receive energy from being alone.
Now, I love people. Over the last five years, I've worked very hard at growing as a healthy person and cultivating healthy relationships. I enjoy forming relationships; real, honest, deep. This last year has been amazing for me in terms of relationships. As I've become healthier, my relationships have become healthier (or, sadly, have gone away). Much of the drama and insecurity that used to characterize my closest friendships is gone. I am so thankful for that.
The truth is I've been running on empty for a couple of months because I haven't spent time alone. You might be thinking - how the heck is that true? She lives alone, works out of her house alone, etc. But there is a difference between being alone and being still.
Being still involves having a quiet heart. Quietness is difficult to "do" and does not just "happen." Being still means different things to different people. Being still for me involves journal writing, reading good books that make me think (not romance novels), listening to music without distractions. Being still for me also involves my relationship with God. Spending time with God over a period of time - getting to know each other. Well, He doesn't have to get to know me, but still a relationship involves both parties. I tell Him what's really going on in my life and heart and He tells me who He really is - not just the ideas I have in my head. The best way I do this is to take a long drive, preferably to the ocean, with cell phones turned off.
Between the time difference and being 3000 miles away from the busy and comfortable life I live, I've been forced to be still. I am starting to hear my voice again and to hear God's voice again. It's faint, but it's clearer than it was a week ago.
I realize that I need to fill up on a more regular basis. I'm not much good to anyone else in my life if I stop hearing my own voice and God's voice in my life. Too often my voice just sounds like the latest person asking me for something (a work report, an urgent meeting, advice, encouragement, affection). I believe each person is valuable apart from what they do - just who they are. I think it's very easy to treat every other person in your life as more important than you are. That is not true. You matter equally as much.
Whatever it takes to hear your own voice again, listen for it. Whatever it looks like for you to fill up, do it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
So it begins...
I love fairy tales. I grew up listening to them on records, reading them in books and watching them on TV. Sleeping Beauty is my all-time favorite.
Fairy tales negative reputation is some circles comes from the premise that happily-ever-after is found in romantic love - your very own Prince Charming. I have not found a prince as of yet. And I have seen and experienced enough real life to know that happily-ever-after is not a direct result of being "in love." I'm still drawn to fairy tales.
What I love about fairy tales is the story: overcoming life circumstances and hoping for a better future. Dreams and action. I see the longing to be found beautiful and wanted - to be chosen. To belong to someone. And of course, to live happily ever after. Who doesn't want that?
A dear friend challenged me last week to do something new - something a little scary. To be brave in even the smallest way. As I thought about this challenge over the last week, I immediately thought of beginning a blog. I've considered starting a blog several times over the last few years. But each time, I would let fear stop me. After all, what would I write about? And more importantly, would it matter?
I do believe my story matters. My life has been changed by Who I belong to. Who I identify with. I am living happily. What has come before and "ever-after" will be what I write about in the months to come.
Fairy tales negative reputation is some circles comes from the premise that happily-ever-after is found in romantic love - your very own Prince Charming. I have not found a prince as of yet. And I have seen and experienced enough real life to know that happily-ever-after is not a direct result of being "in love." I'm still drawn to fairy tales.
What I love about fairy tales is the story: overcoming life circumstances and hoping for a better future. Dreams and action. I see the longing to be found beautiful and wanted - to be chosen. To belong to someone. And of course, to live happily ever after. Who doesn't want that?
A dear friend challenged me last week to do something new - something a little scary. To be brave in even the smallest way. As I thought about this challenge over the last week, I immediately thought of beginning a blog. I've considered starting a blog several times over the last few years. But each time, I would let fear stop me. After all, what would I write about? And more importantly, would it matter?
I do believe my story matters. My life has been changed by Who I belong to. Who I identify with. I am living happily. What has come before and "ever-after" will be what I write about in the months to come.
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