Baby Steps

I will open my hands

I will open my heart

~Open My Hands by Sarah Groves

As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking of the movie "What About Bob?".  It's a Bill Murray/Richard Dreyfuss classic.  One of my favorite scenes (and my brother's) is this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrbY4hsNh64

As I've begun to tread the waters of feeling attraction for someone, I've felt like Bill Murray tied to that sailboat..  Elation, terror, joy and sadness in turns throughout any given day. A heart beginning to open up is wonderful and overwhelming and just plain exhausting.  I'm not even close to "being a sailor now".  

Nothing has come of the coffee date.  While I'm disappointed, it wasn't really about him. I got to experience kindness and humor in someone I was attracted to and had the potential of being something more. That is a gift.  However, it was only a baby step in the process.  The process of being open. The process of finding someone who has the qualities I am hoping and praying for.  

Doesn't that sound terribly grown up of me?  Mature even. I'm sure it will pass quickly enough.  Probably the next time I actually talk to him.  (smile)

In all seriousness, my heart now remembers what it feels like to meet someone, talk to someone and feel instantly connected.  To anticipate the next time you get to see that person and know that it will be easy and familiar and there will lots of laughter.  My heart is remembering how to want.  To want to waste hours just talking and listening. To want to spend time - just more time with that person. 

The wanting is ... disrupting.  Now that I've experienced a small part of what it is to connect with someone like that, I want more.  And I'm lonely and frustrated when it doesn't happen on a regular basis.  In the process of opening up to this journey, I've also allowed myself to experience loneliness for the first time in decades.  I can't say I've missed that.

The song I referenced above is my theme song lately.  A reminder to open my hands and open my heart to whatever God has next for me.  A friend has continued to encourage me to either stand still or take steps forward but not to go backwards.  Honestly, most days I'm standing still.  But each baby step I take forward is one step closer...

All You'll Ever Need

7:30 a.m.  Family drama

8:00 a.m.  Coffee date.... with a single man

What a way to start the day!  30 minutes before going on a (informal, maybe wasn't really) date, the assumed responsibilities for my family threatens to steal all joy from this momentous (for me) occasion.  

In all seriousness, there was a time not too long ago when I would have cancelled the date and spent most of the day obsessing about how to fix the problems I was presented with.  Instead, I chose not to do that.  I went on that coffee date and I went to lunch with friends.  And although tears threatened throughout the day, I chose to keep walking through it.  

I get to chose to have a different life than what was originally handed to me. Throughout the day, I was reminded that I have friends who've hoped and believed that for me for much longer than I have.

Good men are trustworthy, kind, care and listen without expecting anything in return.  For most of my life, I didn't know any good men.  Today, two such men reached out and listened to a bit of my story. One encouraged me to be strong.  One encouraged me with how well he thought I was handling it (family drama).  Both gave me hugs that left me feeling safe and less alone.  There are not words to describe what a miracle it is to have that and what healing has occurred because of it.

And then there are my girlfriends who thoroughly enjoy hearing me giggle and share meaningless details of 10 minute conversations.  Who have encouraged me to "get out there".  Who take joy from how happy I am.  Who have believed I'm someone worth dating, while I'm just starting to.

All around me today, I experienced love in it's best form.  Tangible, healing and joyful.

I choose to focus on that.  The healing that's occurred (by God's grace). The love I am privileged to experience (I love y'all right back).  The joy that comes from looking forward to tomorrow (and a future lunch date).  

3 Weeks Later

Tomorrow I head back to work.  It's been three amazing weeks of rest, solitude, encouragement, friends and some of my favorite things.  

The first week entailed a lot of sleep, but I also kept busy.  It's hard to go from 100 MPH to 0 immediately.  The second week I felt slightly better but still was sleeping a lot and had some sad days.  The third week was my breakthrough week.  It could have been because I found out I was going back to work a week earlier than planned.  I realized my dedicated time of healing was coming to an end.  

On Tuesday I headed to Ocean Shores for a day trip.  I had great music on and the sun was shining.  Despite weather predictions, the sun stayed shining all day and it was an absolutely perfect day.  There were not many people so I had the beaches almost all to myself (my favorite) and I spent several hours just sitting, praying and eventually reading on the sand.  I even did some singing - just my God and I.  As I drove down to the coast, I heard my own internal voice again.  The voice of encouragement and excitement of what the day and the future might hold.  I felt hope.  

There are many things I've learned during this time, although time will test out how much of it has "stuck" and how much will need to be continually relearned.  I realized I've been numb for a long time and instead of dealing with the cause of the anxieties in my life, I've existed.  A prevailing sense of failure and shame in every area of my life caused perpetual shadows.  The physical health issues were outward signs of the internal place I'd allowed myself to get to.

No one can tell you not to be afraid or not to feel failure or not to experience shame.  This is an internal journey that only I can walk.  Thankfully I wasn't (and am not) alone.  I "heard" my God's voice again and felt His love and welcome.  While so many people wanted to help, it's only in stillness - in listening - that His grace allowed me to begin to extend grace to myself.  

No, I'm not "all better", but I am better.  That is enough for me.  The challenge is to find this place of rest, a moment of peace, as I return to a demanding job.  I believe this is possible and now that I've found myself again, I don't want to lose her.  She's valuable - not by what she gets done in a work day but by her God-given nature. I believe that now more than I ever did before. 

LOA - The Beginning

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

~Billy Joel

I'm official on medical leave of absence.  Per my last blog post, you know I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue back in December.  Unfortunately, six months later, my levels have not improved.  My doctor has ordered four weeks of rest.  Tough gig (smile).

Actually, it's going to be ... challenging.  I recognize this is an opportunity to figure out why I don't rest. I sleep but don't rest.  I succeed at work but don't rest.  I love my friends and family but don't rest in them.  So, that's the task - to figure out how to rest.  In who I am not in what I do.  In what I have accomplished not all that remains to do.  In who (and Who) loves me instead of the fear of being left alone.  

I'm going to use this blog as a way to update you all on what follows.  The first week or two especially I'll have limited contact with anyone while I sleep (hopefully rest) and spend quiet time - with myself and Jesus.

What a gift this time is!  

Please email (lowry.maria@gmail.com) and pray.

Maria

Ulcers and Trust (or the lack thereof)

~This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in the hole.  The walls are so steep he can’t get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts out “Hey you, can you help me out?”  The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.  Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up “Father I’m down in this hole. Can you help me out?”  The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down the hole and moves on.  Then a friend walks by.  “Hey Joe, it’s me.  Can you help me out?”  And the friend jumps in the hole.  Our guy says “Are you stupid?  Now we’re both down here.”  The friend says “Yeah but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.” ~ West Wing (Leo’s speech)

Three months ago, I was experiencing some severe abdominal pain and chronic depression.  I was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer and extreme adrenal fatigue.  The bleeding ulcer was actually “easy” to cure but the adrenal fatigue has taken much longer to improve.  Some days were good and then I’d be hit with another bout of fatigue and depression and inability to cope… with anything.  An amazing friend shared the above video with me (YouTube).   I’ve thought of it many times during the last three months of recovery.  At my craziest (and I really felt like I was going crazy), I had amazing friends walk with me through the darkness.  They didn’t judge and they didn’t punish me for my bizarre behavior.  Unconditional love is a priceless gift.

I have made some changes.  I got a personal trainer to help me deal better with the accumulated stress at work.  I’ve cut back on my social calendar and limited myself to 1 evening during the work week to see friends and do something fun.  I’ve taken more days off and rested more.  I’ve found a new church and started this week singing in the choir.  I’m seeing improvement and I am blessed to have had several weeks without a “bad day”. 

However, what I’m learning is that fear and the allusion of control still play a large part of my life.  Recognizing what’s in your control to change and what’s not is an on-going process.  Many times the things I can change - namely the decisions I make regarding myself – are not the things I choose to change.  Fixing other people (as if) or other people’s projects is where I devote my energy.  My job is a daily lesson at which I almost always fail in taking care of my own business and letting others succeed or fail without my input. 

I’ve wanted to quit my job almost monthly from when I started 2 ½ years ago. Yet, I’ve chosen to stay.  It’s constant practice to learn what I must learn.  That seeing what needs to be done and making it my responsibility to get it done are two very different things. 

I believe it’s about rest.  Resting involves trust, something I’m horrible at.  I live in a state of preparing for “what if”.  What if my closest friend decides that I’m a burden and abandons me?  What if I fail at my job and I lose my friendships there?  What if I’m alone for the rest of my life?   Fear of pain and loneliness drive my life and many of my decisions.  Yet this very fear keeps me from experiencing the fullness of what I’ve been given.  A challenging job in which I am highly valued.  Amazing friends who jump in dark holes to show me the way out.  A beautiful house and city to live in and enjoy.  A body that’s getting stronger.  A God who will never leave me or forsake me, even though He allows pain and loneliness. 

Daily, and sometimes hourly, I must choose not to live and react in fear.  By God's grace, may I continue to grow in trust.

The Truth and Lie about Being Safe

Gandalf: You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo: Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf: No. And if you do... you will not be the same.

~The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

My favorite lie is that I can keep myself safe.  Let me parse that a bit shall I?  “Favorite”:  preferred before all others.  “Lie”: an intentionally false statement. “Safe”:  Protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost.

A large portion of my life – past and present – is governed by this lie.  And the main motivator – and outcome – is fear. 

Many of you would be surprised that I have struggled with agoraphobia, defined as “Extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places.”  When I worked from home for 5 years after moving to Seattle, I would go for days without leaving the house.  The more I stayed at home, the less I wanted to leave.  Thankfully, I had amazing friends who kept me from going to deeply into that hole.  And then God gave me a job at Amazon.  While it hasn’t been a quick fix, on a daily basis I’m forced to being in a crowded space.  After two years, it’s less noticeable even to me.  Rarely do I have to talk myself into or down from a situation that triggers the …fear.

I could detail other manifestations of the fear in my life past and present.  And you might begin to doubt my sanity (if there was doubt to begin with).  The point is that fear often seeks to control my life and sometimes it wins.  The thing I am learning, though, is instead of fighting the fear, I need to fight the lie. 

One way I am fighting the lie is to stop hiding physically.  It took many months to find the courage and the path I've chosen to follow to achieve this.  I’m just at the beginning of that journey.  23 lbs lost to be precise.  I have the loving support of family, friends, co-workers and doctor.  I can honestly say I don’t know where the journey ends or who I’ll be when I reach the goal I've set for myself.  While many people have said I won’t change, I know I will.  But not in the way I fear.  The change I pray for is that I will not be (as) afraid to be visible.  The goal isn't to be 150 lbs or a size 8 (but I'd take it).  It’s to be unafraid of being seen and known and pursued. It’s in knowing that I’m not a child anymore; a child who does not have a say in how I’m treated or how I’m loved.  To fully trust the healing work that’s been done in my heart and the One who has walked it with me and continues to do so.

Is This Love?

No, but you are getting warmer...

I believe in a blessing I don't understand.

~Sara Groves

The hurt that broke your heart

 and left you trembling in the dark; 

feeling lost and alone

Will tell you hope's a lie 

but what if every tear you cry

 will seed the ground 

where joy will grow.

From the ruins, from the ashes

Beauty will rise

From the wreckage, from the darkness

Glory will shine

~Jason Grey

When I was 18, I fell in love.  Head-over-heels, fairy tale kind of love.  I knew he was "the one".  I felt safe for the first time in my life and I gave my heart completely to ... let's call him Fred.  As the young and foolish do, we moved quickly.  Four months after we started dating, we were engaged.  I had a man who truly loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  Of course, by then I had our lives together mapped out.  I saw the future - the kids, what kind of wife I would be and ultimately the life I wanted.  All with Fred by my side to love me forever.  There was not a doubt in my mind that this man loved me, wanted me as much as I loved and wanted him.

Until he didn't two months later.  He said he'd never loved me and that all his old girlfriends were prettier than me.  He was a fool.

I believed in that love so completely it took four years (and Fred to marry someone else) before I finally believed that Fred didn't love me, actually had not loved me - not the forever love I had believed in so strongly.  

~20 years later

After I moved to Seattle, I picked up a book by a little known author named Don Miller.  As I read his books, I fell in love.  Not literally of course.  But there was something in how he wrote and what he wrote that made me feel less alone.  It was like he, if he met me of course, would understand me.  Ways that I thought about God and faith and relationships, he expressed those same thoughts in his writing.  One week-end, I signed up for a youth workers conference he was speaking at.  I was not a youth worker, so I went incognito (smile).  While his writing was powerful, his speaking was even more so.  I left the conference completely overwhelmed with emotion. But I didn't know why.  Since then I've had several opportunities to meet him and I know is it isn't really him that provokes these strong emotions. But something in my heart responds to his writing and speaking.  For some very bizarre reason, I feel loved.

Over a year ago, I met someone.  Someone who has become a friend and has come to matter a great deal to me.  This person has encouraged me and connected with me in an entirely new way from what I've experienced before.  My friendship with him has truly changed my life.

In my hyper-analytical brain, I began to wonder if there was any intention beyond friendship on his part.  While I care about him a great deal, I have known that a romantic relationship with him is not possible.  This week I finally worked up the courage to ask him.  I needed to know.  It was awkward and awful and the poor man was completely confused and kept saying "I'm sorry."  I tried to reassure him there was nothing to be sorry about.  It was something I needed to know but not something he had done wrong.  At this point, I hope our friendship recovers.

What I am slowly learning and experiencing rather painfully is a re-awakening.  My heart is beginning to remember how it feels to be loved.  I am catching glimpses of it; through Don Miller's writing and speaking and through my friendship with a man I respect and admire.  God is slowly (very slowly) causing my heart to remember.  Why?  To prepare me for something or someone and to help me choose not to run away at the first sign of it.  Because let's face it - the first time around crushed me.  I would never choose to go through that again. However, experiencing how love might feel even in a very small way is a feeling like no other.  And as my heart begins to remember, I begin to hope that it may happen for me yet.