~This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in the
hole. The walls are so steep he can’t
get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts out “Hey you, can you help me
out?” The doctor writes a prescription,
throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up “Father I’m down in this
hole. Can you help me out?” The priest
writes out a prayer, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me. Can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says “Yeah but I’ve been down here
before and I know the way out.” ~ West Wing (Leo’s speech)
Three months ago, I was experiencing some severe abdominal pain
and chronic depression. I was diagnosed
with a bleeding ulcer and extreme adrenal fatigue. The bleeding ulcer was actually “easy” to
cure but the adrenal fatigue has taken much longer to improve. Some days were good and then I’d be hit with
another bout of fatigue and depression and inability to cope… with
anything. An amazing friend shared the
above video with me (YouTube). I’ve
thought of it many times during the last three months of recovery. At my craziest (and I really felt like I was
going crazy), I had amazing friends walk with me through the darkness. They didn’t judge and they didn’t punish me
for my bizarre behavior. Unconditional
love is a priceless gift.
I have made some changes.
I got a personal trainer to help me deal better with the accumulated
stress at work. I’ve cut back on my
social calendar and limited myself to 1 evening during the work week to see
friends and do something fun. I’ve taken
more days off and rested more. I’ve
found a new church and started this week singing in the choir. I’m seeing improvement and I am blessed to
have had several weeks without a “bad day”.
However, what I’m learning is that fear and the allusion of
control still play a large part of my life.
Recognizing what’s in your control to change and what’s not is an
on-going process. Many times the things
I can change - namely the decisions I make regarding myself – are not the
things I choose to change. Fixing other
people (as if) or other people’s projects is where I devote my energy. My job is a daily lesson at which I almost
always fail in taking care of my own business and letting others succeed or
fail without my input.
I’ve wanted to quit my job almost monthly from when I
started 2 ½ years ago. Yet, I’ve chosen to stay. It’s constant practice to learn what I must
learn. That seeing what needs to be done
and making it my responsibility to get it done are two very different
things.
I believe it’s about rest.
Resting involves trust, something I’m horrible at. I live in a state of preparing for “what
if”. What if my closest friend decides that
I’m a burden and abandons me? What if I
fail at my job and I lose my friendships there?
What if I’m alone for the rest of my life? Fear of pain and loneliness drive my life
and many of my decisions. Yet this very
fear keeps me from experiencing the fullness of what I’ve been given. A challenging job in which I am highly
valued. Amazing friends who jump in dark
holes to show me the way out. A
beautiful house and city to live in and enjoy.
A body that’s getting stronger. A
God who will never leave me or forsake me, even though He allows pain and
loneliness.
Daily, and sometimes hourly, I must choose not to live and react in fear. By God's grace, may I continue to grow in trust.
