Gandalf: You'll have a tale or two to tell of your
own when you come back.
Bilbo: Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No. And if you do... you will not be the
same.
~The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
My favorite lie is that I can keep myself safe. Let me parse that a bit shall I? “Favorite”:
preferred before all others. “Lie”:
an intentionally false statement. “Safe”:
Protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed
or lost.
A large portion of my life – past and present – is governed by this
lie. And the main motivator – and outcome
– is fear.
Many of you would be surprised that I have struggled with agoraphobia,
defined as “Extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public
places.” When I worked from home
for 5 years after moving to Seattle, I would go for days without leaving the
house. The more I stayed at home, the
less I wanted to leave. Thankfully, I
had amazing friends who kept me from going to deeply into that hole. And then God gave me a job at Amazon. While it hasn’t been a quick fix, on a daily
basis I’m forced to being in a crowded space.
After two years, it’s less noticeable even to me. Rarely do I have to talk myself into or down
from a situation that triggers the …fear.
I could detail other manifestations of the fear in my life past and
present. And you might begin to doubt my
sanity (if there was doubt to begin with).
The point is that fear often seeks to control my life and sometimes it
wins. The thing I am learning, though,
is instead of fighting the fear, I need to fight the lie.
One way I am fighting the lie is to stop
hiding physically. It took many months
to find the courage and the path I've chosen to follow to achieve this. I’m just at the beginning of that
journey. 23 lbs lost to be precise. I have the loving support of family, friends,
co-workers and doctor. I can honestly
say I don’t know where the journey ends or who I’ll be when I reach the goal I've set for myself. While many people have
said I won’t change, I know I will. But
not in the way I fear. The change I pray
for is that I will not be (as) afraid to be visible. The goal isn't to be 150 lbs or a size 8 (but I'd take it). It’s to be unafraid of being seen and known
and pursued. It’s in knowing that I’m not a child anymore; a child who does not have a
say in how I’m treated or how I’m loved.
To fully trust the healing work that’s been done in my heart and the One
who has walked it with me and continues to do so.
