I have purposely put off writing this blog entry. My last entry was so hopeful and full of joy; a true reflection of how I felt. There is a reason that we are not told the future.
The last two months have been full of change and conflict. Nothing could have prepared me for what an enormous life change leaving my old job would be. And it's been incredibly difficult. For the last 11 years, I've primarily worked from my house, setting my own hours, managing my time, setting my own priorities. I'm now learning how to work 8 - 10 hours a day in an office, constantly surrounded by people. Whenever I felt overwhelmed - with work or people or whatever - I could go home. Back to my safe place. That's not an option any more.
In addition to that, I'm surrounded by conflict at my new job. People are concerned about their jobs, anxious to prove their worth and that they are needed. And I show up, eager to make their lives easier. Within weeks I've automated the job I was hired (full-time) for. I'm ready to automate the next process. And let's just say, there is conflict.
With that said, how am I? Struggling, doubting, hurting. I am thankful for my job. I know what a blessing it is to be working. So, is it horrible that I am dreading tomorrow morning? Maybe, but it's honest.
I've heard words meant to be a comfort. "Be patient." "It's only been two months." "Show up and work." And my personal favorite "It's not personal. Don't take it personal." There have been many times in my life I wished with all my heart I could do that. Turn off the personal, the emotional. Be logical and reason my way into being different than I am. For better (most of the time) or worse (times like now), I'm not capable of doing this. I bring all of me to whatever I do - work, relationships, even sailing. While this might make my road harder, I'm thankful to be who God created me to be.
So, it's rough right now. I know that many are experiencing very hard things in their lives. I hope this experience gives me more compassion and less advice to give. Sometimes all we want to hear is - "That's really tough." For someone to come along side and remind us we are not alone in our struggles. To walk though this stage of the journey with us. I'm not alone. I'm very blessed with friends, family and Love. There's more to this chapter. I hope you keep reading.... and praying.... and loving.
